I haven't written on here for a while, not sure why, no explicit reason. I have done a few entries on the LL site but I am back! Mainly because I have probably had the hardest day today and it has really messed with my head.
So to start things off I am have been really anxious about Bruce (my brother), I am not going to go into the reasons for concern because that is his personal life not mine. I am one of his main contacts though and trying to provide support and love through his tough times, in a very selfish comment I can say here that it is taking its toll on me. I find myself really quite anxious and ill at ease a lot of the time. A black cloud hanging around. So I have been juggling these feelings for the last week or so and been aware that it makes me want to eat eat and eat some more - nothing is particular but everything in general!! God my old feelings are never far away. I didn't give into it at all, in fact I almost revelled in the one side of me being so strong.
And then last night Grieg (my son) texts me from his Dad's and tells me all about this trouble he is having at school. Well I felt like I could cry and be sick and all manner of emotions. I was upset and worried for him, angry - the whole gammut and couldn't move on. I woke up this morning feeling very blue indeed and then the mind games started. Normally when the term mind games is used it is about other people playing mind games on you! No, not this time, this is all about my brain thinking it can mess up my good strong thinking. And of course as soon as there is the slightest doubt or wobble holey moley it is like a tiny fissure than just gets bigger and bigger. My brain was just waiting for me to not be so strong. I gave up smoking in October, OMG today I could have so easily gone out with my colleague and had one. And if I couldn't have a cigarette what about going and stuffing my face or having a drink or ten. Clearly booze was off the agenda at work so it was down to food or nicotine - my two main crutches of the last 20 years. Wow it was hard...... and I have to admit to the fact that I wasn't good as gold. I had been thinking all afternoon about what I could have, if I could give in on something and just shut up the voices maybe I could then control it. I know this sounds like the chat of a crazy person - haha it probably is. Anyway the bottom line is that I went and bought a can of sugar free red bull, I know I know, not such a big deal..... but the thing is that LL is about abstinence and red bull isn't allowed and it doesn't matter if it is full fat or sugar free. I used to love the stuff, well I opened it and had my first sip and it didn't taste like it used to, well really it was more like my mouth had changed and didn't taste it in the same way - weird huh? Of course I should have just chucked it away at that point but I kept trying it - damn it I was giving in to it, I wasn't ready to chuck it out!! In the end I threw about the last third away, it just seemed pointless to keep drinking it when I wasn't really that interested in it.
So lessons learned, in honesty I am not completely sure. I knew what I was doing, I thought about it for a while in advance. I felt like I really needed to do something off track but I wanted to make sure that I limited the impact. I was so desperate for a cigarette which is madness - that can only be head addiction as my body is completely clean of nicotine. How naughty is that, head I need to have a word, quite being a pain in the arse and messing with my head - haha now I am really going mad!! I know what I mean though.
So I have come home and been quite busy - not manically so but got some jobs done I need to do before guests arrive tomorrow and I have heard from my son and he seems quite perky and things weren't so bad for him at school today so of course the level of stress has reduced. I haven't heard from my brother which is inevitably bad news but you know what, I will deal with that tomorrow. I feel like I am back on track and I am not going to give the bad side of my head any voice for the next while because he is annoying and I don't want to hear what he has to say lol!!
It would be lovely to say I am back bigger and stronger from this wobble but I don't think I am, I am not sure it has changed anything other than to confirm when I am really really anxious and scared / upset I will always look for a crutch. Perhaps that is just how I will be, even after I reach goal, if that is the case and I turn to food so be it but what I need to learn is how to control that so it isn't a crazy outcome - I guess that is what I did today. So maybe not all bad - everyday is a school day!!
I have Glynis and Sheena staying this weekend, I think Glyn is worried about the impact on my routines but I am sure it will be fine, plus it will be nice to have company. Okay perhaps pouring them a G&T might be tricky - perhaps I will only give them white wine since I don't like it haha! What a hostess! I am looking forward to having the company and also it is WI on Saturday and I expecting to break the 2 stone barrier and hopefully the 30 pound barrier, that would be cool, another milestone and perhaps even get below 20 stone - oooooh it could be the WI of milestones!!
Anyway that's all from me, I need to get to bed, I have been late the last few nights and it is no good.
:)
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