Background and about me!

I have been thinking about keeping a diary of my weightloss journey on Lighter Life for the last couple of weeks since I decided to embark on it. The thing is, that as much as I wanted to record my thoughts and feelings at the start, put into words what it is that I want I have managed to avoid doing it......until now. Prevarication no more!


I had my first full session on Saturday and it was excellent, I practically skipped out of there I was so excited and and positive about everything. Unsurprisingly a few hours later that level of excitement wasn't being maintained but that is okay, I hadn't gone the other way and got down and scared about it all, I was just ready to get on with it and if I am honest wishing away the next few days and perhaps even longer!


So, I am terrified about this. When I ask myself why and try to put it into words it is difficult. I am not sure how much os denial on my part but I have promised myself complete honesty here so I will do my best. I am scared of both failing and success. I know what failing looks like and it is no fun, what a downward spiral it leads to as well, oh the failure will need to have some food and wine to take her mind off it (not that I consciously thought this way but I did cover up most things with food). Then there is the partial success where everyone is amazed and proud that I have lost 4 or 5 stone - don't get me wrong that would be a huge achievement and would mean I was a lot healthier than I am now. I am terrified that I settle for that as being enough, an okay result. I don't want to stop until I get to the very end of the journey which means a healthy BMI, half my body weight. And now I find myself in the most terrifying territory of all. I have never been a healthy size or weight,never ever. When I was 14 I think I was probably already a size 14 and then size 16 came fast. I was always chunky as a child and I would sneak food which isn't a good sign for a healthy relationship with food!


So here I am embarking on this journey, and admitting to the fact that I am terrified about all the different outcomes that could happen. Some might call that madness I just think it is the way I think and if I can deal with these worries in advance I will be okay. Having said that I am not going to try and deal with them just now, what I am going to do is take every day at a time and every week and weigh in at a time. If I can't fathom the future then I simply won't think about it for now, there is plenty time once I have a few weeks under my belt and I am feeling a bit more secure.


I expect to be writing lots in this blog as I want it for my records so I can reread it and when (not if) I get to the end of the weightloss journey and move onto the maintenance journey I will have it recorded how I was thinking and feeling. Also you never know I might find myself useful during the journey - I like to think I can give quite good advice so perhaps I can help myself at times too!